TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, REVENUE, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it might include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That's the eyesight behind Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical improvement-slash-luxurious real-estate calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Of course, the man who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. Rather than the standard Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're talking Damascus, town historically known for historic culture, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It will be large. Huge!" Trump declared via a leaked golf cart Zoom connect with, streamed from the putting green inside Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We have had stunning ceasefires in Syria. A few of the best. But now, we are developing them with balconies."



Welcome into the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca in the falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and totally from location. Designed by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:




  • A 3-flooring On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Delighted Hour right up until the drone flies")




  • And a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses documented blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 a long time for potable water. But Certainly, absolutely sure, let's have A further position where American Guys can wear robes and phone it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and a pillow menu, naturally."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign policy analysts are calling this the most audacious peace endeavor due to the fact Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Even though previous negotiations failed under the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's approach is simpler: offer you Everybody a suite around the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


In line with documents published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, entire with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is certainly comfortable electric power," mentioned political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a contract and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO will not. Geopolitical gridlock demands fewer diplomats and a lot more minibar upgrades."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, typically into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Each and every unit. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire pointed out, "It isn't really that Trump should not open a tower within a war zone. It can be that he need to quit utilizing it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested about the challenge, replied, "You already know, person, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Great people today. Wonderful tan. In any case, do I nonetheless have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "future proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred into the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility of the Levant."



Satellite Pictures Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit revealed that the hotel's landscaping forms a large Trump head visible from Area, a feature being promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is constructed from refugee tents along with the chin is… perfectly, labeled.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits immediately after locating the developing's gold plating mirrored a great deal of daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and established fire to an area melon cart.


"It really is not merely ugly. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," said Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing and also other Puzzling Features


Perhaps the strangest factor from the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:




  • A silent atrium the place visitors may perhaps contemplate vague disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, entire with local weather control established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.




Area Syrians are unsure what to make of the. "Is she a ghost?" questioned 12-12 months-old Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing Tactic: "For those who Bomb It, They're going to Occur"


The ad campaign, not long ago leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. Just one poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxury is Eternally."


Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee stores:


"A Tower So Significant, Even Assad Has to Notice."


General public reception is wildly divided. A recent SnapPoll carried out within a hookah lounge demonstrates:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this can escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% mentioned "in which's the nearest elevator to your West Financial institution?"





Investor Praise: "Ultimately, a Crisis That Pays"


The project is already attracting attention from Intercontinental traders, such as:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights to be a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who said he'll get a few penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




In accordance with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business degree may even include:




  • A Greenback Shop of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Referred to as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place Dependant on the Iraq War





Comment Segment Chaos


About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the revealing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can't wait around to find out a wedding in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades in place of rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Ultimately, a hotel where my PTSD may have flip-down services."


One more article from @KuwaitiKardashian only asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officials get worried the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Studies recommend:




  • China may perhaps open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is preparing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • Trump Tower Damascus

    And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to construct a Tesla showroom over the Golan Heights run by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. In accordance with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has available to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the best ground "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Closing Feelings through the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside of a closing ceremony that associated a few camels, a flamethrower, plus a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed over the speakers:


"Damascus needed hope. It desired gold. It essential a waterslide formed much like the Structure. I gave all of it 3. You're welcome."

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